Memories, Boundaries & Moving On

By Rayan Abdulkadir

Q: I'm looking back at memories of people I love and realizing they were never truly good people. I'm having a hard time understanding my unconditional love for them and my acknowledgment of their behavior. Do I make peace with both? Do I learn to move away from them? 

A: Thank you for your question. I am moved deeply by your curiosity and willingness to engage in different ways.

I think the answer is already within you. You can love someone and not their behavior, and you can acknowledge that although they aren't the person you thought they were, they contributed to your life in a way that no one else can replace. The kind of person you are is clear—the fact that you can still see love in those you don't trust or engage with anymore is a gift that you should never let go of. It's hard to reconcile the past, especially when it feels so far away, but you're taking the first step by asking yourself the hard questions.

I think whether or not you move forward with them is just about your level of comfort and the kind of boundaries you want to have. It's also important to place an emphasis on whether or not these people add more to your life than they take away. If a person drains you and genuinely no longer aligns with your values, then it may be time to reevaluate that relationship. But if you truly see room for growth and cannot imagine life without them, it's time for a conversation about their behavior and what you guys can do to make that relationship work. When someone values you, they will take emotions and thoughts seriously and work towards a friendship that fuels you both, rather than drains you.

It's important to mention that you are allowed to reminisce. Everyone has moments where they put on a Phoebe Bridgers song and shed a few tears over Instagram archives and Snapchat memories. If you ever want to make peace, you have to be okay with looking back at memories without refusing to accept that things ended the way they did. You get to decide how you move forward, whether that be sparking up old friendships or picking up something new to move on.

Another perspective might be to start focusing less on their past behavior and work towards a future that feels fulfilling. This might be joining new clubs, taking a new class, or doing something you used to do that made you happy. In that way, you can meet new people who enjoy the things you do and work towards creating new memories that serve you.

In the end, it's really about what you find important, the kind of values you have, and the boundaries you are willing to set. Acknowledge that your memories are a part of your life, while also building a toolkit for a future of relationships and friendships that you can enjoy. You're going to be okay, and there is so much love and joy coming your way.