Hoaxoscopes: Very real, very astrological predictions that are bound to come true

By Sinead Quinn

Let’s be honest, most of us look to the stars for guidance sometimes. Is your Venus in the eighth house? Is Mercury in retrograde? What other explanation could there possibly be for the fact that you’re fighting for your life in your STATS 1090 class? Seeking heavenly answers is the perfectly logical next step to, say, running out of commuter meal points or failing your midterm.

Among us, of course, are skeptics. I understand, I really do. The idea of astrology is to some utterly preposterous. After all, even the stars couldn’t possibly explain the ebbs and flows of your emotional state or the distribution of office spaces in CdC. However, I urge you to consider: when things already seem so far out of our grasp, is it really so irrational to look to the sky?

All this to say, I have a unique manner of deigning my astrological knowledge. The very special thing about the following predictions is that the less you believe, the more likely they are to come true.

Aries - Congrats, it’s your time of the year. Is that what you wanted me to say? Moving on. These next few weeks will be a time of drastic improvement for you, but perhaps not in the way you’re thinking. I’m not talking about a raise (in this economy?), or a sudden leap in productivity. Rather, this is a time for home improvement. Grab your power tools, or walk over to S&S and purchase some. You will definitely want a chainsaw. Is that retaining wall in your student apartment/dorm strictly necessary? Of course not! It’s obstructing your charming view of Randolph Avenue or the sand volleyball pit. WARNING: This does not apply to the Aries living in St. Mary’s. The roof will come down upon you.

Taurus - Seek out ways to boost your income today. This may include, but is certainly not limited to: bank robbery, identity fraud, piracy (whether of media or by sea), starting a cult, counterfeiting, drop-shipping, etc. Use your imagination! Abundance is within your grasp. As is 5-10 years jail time.

Gemini - I know it’s not what you want to hear, but this is not a time for success for you. It is a period of renunciation. To cope, you are best off rejecting the world completely. Seal off your dorm room completely (Find an Aries to help, they will be well-equipped for this) and hide away as an Anchorite until approximately May 6 when the horrors are finally over. Also, if you are in dire need of sustenance, Panera delivers.

Cancer - You will meet the love of your life this week, and it’ll be just like the movies. You’ll walk into the coffee shop, stumble through ordering your latte (let me guess, caramel or lavender syrup?) and make eye contact with an extraordinarily beautiful person. They will be wearing a fedora and dark sunglasses. They will hand you a briefcase. It is of the utmost importance that you follow to the letter the instructions you are given. Your mission, should you choose to accept it… etc., etc.

Leo - Your influence over other people is always strong, but this month is particularly potent. Consider teaming up with a Taurus to start a cult. There are a lot of lost sheep on this campus (welcome to finals season) and plenty willing to join a pyramid scheme (to pay off their student loans). As a result, recruiting should be pretty easy, but finding a library study room that’s not pre-booked in which to have your first meeting may be a hassle.

Virgo - It’s time to make a positive change in the world. You can do this by giving a stink-eye to the people who don’t thank you when you open the door for them. And by trodding on the feet of the people who stand directly in the way of the Melts Station during lunch rush. Thank you in advance for your service. Also, this isn’t a message from the stars, but can you please get your Pisces friend to actually attend a club event before the school year ends?

Libra - Hey, you. Yes, you. Go to those office hours. And that library study session. I know you’ve been putting them off all semester, pretending that the class will get easier, but there’s no excuse anymore. We’re in the end times. Salvage your grade while you still can! Yes, I know it’s a CORE class and it’s taking every fiber of your being to care. Get on with it! You are plenty capable.

Scorpio - You are in a particularly spiritually-oriented time in your life. As a result, you will soon (or perhaps you already have?) experience psychic visions from the beyond. You may feel a strange chill down your spine as you walk through the campus buildings. And no, I’m not referring to the chronic draft in Caecilian. You can expect your medium abilities to be heightened for the next few weeks. Anticipate receiving messages from the many St. Kate’s ghosts. Of which there are many, so expect your line to be pretty busy for a few weeks. Oh, and while you’re at it, do you mind telling the Whitby ghost to keep it down with the piano? 

Sagittarius - You will get lost in Fontbonne. Wait. [checks notes] Oops. Sorry, that’s not the horoscope. That’s just inevitable. However, the stars are telling me that you will get lost in the Visual Arts Building. That’s weird. You (who has a solid 70% chance of being a healthcare major) probably don’t even go in there. And every floor has the exact same layout. So good luck with that?

Capricorn - Girl, if you don’t find a new study spot… 

Aquarius - You have been experiencing an identity crisis as of late. Should you throw away your entire college wardrobe? Should you reorient your entire aesthetic? No! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it is that darn phone. Delete TikTok, allow your brain to de-rot while you still can! And before you complain that you’re going to lose your collection of Supernatural edits, please remember that you can download them to your camera roll.

Pisces - This is a time of blossoming friendships for you, though it may seem unlikely. After all, you’ve been in the trenches lately. But beautiful things arise from horrible places. For example, your A&P II class. What better way to make long-lasting friendships than via trauma bond?

If your birthday is April 1st: That’s rough, buddy!

Cover photo designed by macrovector / Freepik