Ask Addy: How do I keep my relationship interesting during quarantine?

If you had to guess what St. Kate’s students were submitting to Ask Addy, this week, would you have imagined it would be questions about love? One thing that certainly isn’t on hold during the COVID-19 shutdown is our feelings. In fact, many St. Kate’s students and community members have shared that they are experiencing heightened emotions during this time as they process what is happening in the world. What an inconvenient (or opportune?) time for love! That is just what this week’s Ask Addy questions are all about. This week I am answering two questions that explore different but related topics. Our first question is:

Dear Addy, how do I sustain a relationship that I built just before quarantine started? How do I keep things interesting while also social distancing?

And the other quandary:

While the rest of the world converts their lives to zoom and google hangouts- my partner and I are finding that our sex life is not so flexible. How do we practice social distancing without putting our sex life in quarantine?

Thankfully, people across the globe are also asking these questions as we try to navigate all kinds of relationships during a global pandemic. These are important, reasonable, and interesting predicaments to consider. As with many changes associated with COVID-19, it can be helpful to adopt a growth mindset when thinking about dating. Both writer’s relationships have been put on hold in some ways… but certainly not all.

Developing a new romantic relationship (or any new relationship for that matter), certainly has its downsides when the world is on lockdown. Assuming you’re not living with your love interest, you probably won’t be seeing them until it is safe to do so. If you do choose to meet up, the CDC recommends that you stay at least 6-feet apart. Many traditional dating patterns like chatting in a coffee shop or going to the movies have been disrupted, so next steps can be tricky – especially in a relationship you’ve just formed. These are the limitations, but what about the benefits?

Dating during the outbreak of a global pandemic can alleviate a lot of the pressures that sometimes come with a new relationship. You are ordered by government mandate to take it slow! You can spend the extra time you may have to get to know the other person. You may even see yourself become more vulnerable in the absence of external pressures. For the first time, many of us are challenged to judge prospective partners purely on character and conversation. Plus, think of all the money you are saving by skipping those fancy first dates!

So, how to keep it interesting while also social distancing? I could suggest elaborate virtual plans or the oh-so-trendy Zoom dinner, but I will keep it simple. Go deep. Keep things interesting with the new person you’re dating by asking them what they genuinely think about what is happening in the world today. What is their home like? What do they value? Who do they miss? These conditions are temporary, but they are also historic. Whether or not your relationship proves to be as short-lived as a stay-at-home order, you will always remember the connection that you had with this person, and how they shaped your perspective of what is happening.

If you are in a developed relationship and trying to keep things interesting in the bedroom while social distancing, there are also options. Although sexual experiences with your partner may have to happen remotely, they must always be solicited and consensual. 

Advertisement for the new COVID-19 inspired dating app “Quarantine Together,” which helps people connect using text and video.

According to a 2014 survey by Cosmopolitan, 9 out of 10 respondents (with an average age of 21) had taken a naked photo, many of which to send to a partner. Teen Vogue columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explains in a 2019 article that, “whatever sexy pictures you share should be on your own terms.” She also suggests starting by writing messages, saying that this can be an equally if not more intimate experience with your partner. The importance of consent does not change when sharing intimate experiences online. If anything, it is heightened because of the risk that you take in losing control of images or exchanges. See Aronowitz’s article for guidance on the pros and cons of sexting.

Although social distancing brings unprecedented challenges to our romantic lives, it also creates opportunity for pause and expansion. Whether beginning a new relationship or nurturing your connection with a partner, those closest to you will continue to shape your unique experience of this pandemic. So, give yourself space to reflect and take it slow, and try to think about the new perspective that this situation affords you, not just the limitations. After all,  absence makes the heart grow fonder.