Ask Addy: “How long should I wait before dating again?”

Image: Modern Bohemia by Ernst Ludwig Kirchner

Romantic relationships can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of the human experience. They are also undoubtedly one of the most stressful. While there are norms to which many adhere, there is no set rulebook for right and wrong. Even when romantic decisions are deemed traditionally “wrong” or “right,” there are a million ambiguities and exceptions. There’s a lot of grey area in love, and this week’s Ask Addy question is a great example:

How long is too long to not get back into a relationship after breaking up with someone? Like can I start dating immediately or wait a few weeks?

You got me with this one. There are plenty of follow up questions that could influence the response: Did you initiate the breakup? What kind of relationship had you developed with the new person prior to splitting with your former partner? Do you have a history of using new flings to distract yourself from the pain of a break-up?  

Since the only advice I could offer in this predicament was the quippy but potentially destructive adage: “You have to get under someone to get over someone,” I decided to consult expert advice.

Mike Peterson from the St. Kate’s Counseling Center has mulled over relationship woes with many students. He prefaced our interview with the warning that his advice could be frustrating because there are no concrete answers. 

“The thing that’s difficult about this question,” says Mike, is that there aren’t specific numbers. “The hitch is that the heart has no watch and listens to no calendar...It’s about head-heart balance, and for some head, heart, and spirit.” Mike suggested that due to the complexity of this issue, it could be useful to consult a counselor, a mentor, or a faith leader with the details.

“There are many factors that influence the decision,” says Mike. “Like did you initiate it or was the breakup a surprise?”

Mike also got at the really important point of self-reflection and recognizing cycles. “Did the current breakup trigger past losses? What’s hard is that people sometimes use new relationships to distract from processing a breakup. This accumulation can create problems. All the un-dealt with stuff can compound and come out in the new relationship.”

“You should ask yourself: ‘What needs to be addressed before I jump into a new relationship? If you do these things, the answer usually reveals itself. It’s always been in you.”

“We always say that the heart is like a wild animal. What your heart wants is what your heart wants.  However, asking these questions is part of the process of moving towards greater health.”

Mike also detailed some of the new initiatives by the St. Kate’s Counseling Center that make these resources much more accessible to students – especially for more casual counseling questions.

“Counseling can help generally healthy people move towards even greater health. Consulting a counselor on relationship issues is a great example.”

The St. Kate’s Counseling Center has four new initiatives this year which address a wide range of needs. They have adopted a new after-hours crisis counseling service called Protocol. You can connect to this service by calling the Counseling Center’s main line at (651) 690-6805. Afterhours, you will be given an option to be transferred to Protocol. This service is tailored specifically to St. Kate’s, and the available providers know the specifics of our institution such as first responders and resources on campus.

Additionally, the Counseling Center has launched a series of drop-in services called “You’ve Got This!” and “Let’s Chat.” “You’ve Got This!” is a small, 4-week skills-based workshop style group designed to help students cope with things like stress and anxious thoughts. It meets Tuesdays from noon to 1pm. Each session is run by a different counselor from the center. (Contact Joanna Quanbeck in the Counseling Center to learn more.) “Let’s Chat” is like speed dating for counseling. It’s an opportunity to connect quickly with a counselor during a short session and is great for discussing quick issues. “Let’s Chat” will be occurring throughout the semester in the library.

Finally, a new support group for survivors of sexual violence meets every other Monday from 3-4:30pm. The group is a safe space for students of all identities and focuses on healing and coping with sexual violence. The group is centered on discovering others who can understand.

On deck for next semester is a new interpersonal process group designed to help students better understand how they relate to others. Sessions will focus on how you relate group members and how this connects to how you relate to others in your life.

In short, there is an abundance of resources at St. Kate’s to address uncertainties in your life – including when to begin a new relationship after a break-up! While matters of the heart can sometimes be dismissed as petty by society, they have an enormous impact on your day to day wellbeing. So - check-in, reach out, and when in doubt Ask Addy!