By Rayan Abdulkadir
Q: As the months get colder, I wonder, when the glare of the sun isn't around to distract me from the grey reality we live in, what is my purpose? What is my meaning? How do I find it? I know we all find meaning in different ways, but I sometimes feel so stuck; I wonder where you find yours.
Dear reader,
Thank you for your question. I can resonate with you deeply; as the cold months creep in, so do my anxious thoughts and existential worries. Sometimes I have days so bad that I go to sleep at night and pray that the sun rises so I can be reminded that there is a new day ahead of me. And it always does. Regardless of how low the temperatures drop, and regardless of the crunch of the leaves beneath my feet, there will always be a new day.
In regard to purpose, or really finding purpose, I wish I could give you a beautifully complex and pointed answer. But I truly don't have one. Every day I live is another day I search for purpose. Sometimes my purpose is waking up to get to breakfast, and sip on a hot matcha, while using my fancy mug. Other days it is my education, my opportunity. Most days it's my community, my family, and those who have held kinship close.
I have accepted that I do not have one singular purpose but rather a series of ideas, concepts, and experiences that inform the way I decide to proceed each day. I make an active effort to be intentional in the things I do and say. I am silly even when it is hard because laughter is my cure. I spam text my group chat with my every odd thought because it is a gift to have someone to receive them. I just exist in a way that feels authentic, rather than searching for a tangible and certain purpose, because honestly, I don't know if I will ever find one.
I have always wanted to say that I was destined for a career, born to be a rock star, or certain that I was going to be something lucrative and impressive like a doctor or a nurse. But the less I identified with what I thought I should be and the more I just engaged with the things I enjoyed, I found that my purpose was closer to me than I thought.
Purpose is in everything, everywhere. My eyes feast on my purpose, my lungs breathe in purpose deeply, my hands reach for it, and my body yearns for it, but it is here, with us all in a way that we may not understand.
Purpose is greater than us all and sometimes undefinable, and that's okay. What's important is that you focus on creating a life for yourself that aligns with all that you love. Be silly and weird, listen to your old playlists, text your friends back, and hug your mom and dad. You will find purpose, or maybe it will come looking for you.
Either way, you will be okay; purpose is not what you're looking for, but something you already have and will always carry with you.
