Pollution is the Solution: An Interview with Campus Ducks Sandra and Kevin
By Alexandriana Davis
The St. Catherine University campus is known for the love and care put into its green spaces. Flowers blossom in the spring, trees flourish, and vines gleefully take over buildings. The beauty of nature that surrounds students, however, is difficult to feel grateful for when it could all be taken away by climate change. To understand how living beings on campus are dealing with the consequences of environmental harm, I interviewed two ducks, Kevin and Sandra, who had much to say on the issue.
Q: How do you feel about climate change?
Sandra: I adore it. I mean, who doesn’t? My friend Earl, that tree over there, is the last of his family to come out of deforestation. He told me the other day that the greatest moment of his life was witnessing his parents be turned into furniture. Isn’t that right, Earl?
Kevin: I mean, yeah, I completely agree. This climate change thingy is truly making my life better. I have less food to eat, which keeps me on my toes, and the air has a little texture to it. What else could you really ask for?
Q: If you could change one thing about the state of the environment right now, what would it be?
Kevin: Honestly, let’s ramp up the climate change. We’ve been in a war with the geese for ages, and I am desperately low on poison. Give me some more pollution, and maybe we might finally win. Ugh, those geese, man. Why, I oughtta-
Sandra: Yes, yes, geese geese geese, blah blah blah. It’s all anyone talks about these days. Though I would have to agree with Kevin. If anything should change, it should be those environmentalists trying to take away my right to free pollution. That’s some good stuff that I am not willing to give up. And the lack of green spaces? It’s like playing my favorite game: King of the Hill!
Q: What do you hope the world will look like 20 years from now?
Sandra: Oh, I don’t know. Hopefully, the world is on fire, and all of you students are gone, so I no longer have to worry about the paparazzi. At the end of the day, though, as long as I am the ultimate winner of King of the Hill, I will die happy.
Kevin: My hope is that you get to experience what we, and all of my animal friends across the world, have been experiencing for decades. Watching your loved ones die at the hands of human exploitation is truly a treat. This is my selfless wish for all of humanity. You're welcome.
Sandra and Kevin waddled off after the interview, content with their answers. They feel accomplished knowing that they have eased the fears of students at St. Kate’s, who are worried about environmental harm. With flavored air, free pollution, and a competitive game of King of the Hill, it seems that, after all, climate change is actually making the world a better place.
